


love bites

by shotastic



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Bulimia, Cooking, Cute Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Food, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Jackson Wang-centric, M/M, Minor Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB, Minor Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam/Kim Yugyeom, Park Jinyoung (GOT7)-Centric, Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Soft Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Weight Issues, jackson has an eating disorder, this is so cute im so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:15:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 14,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23655964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotastic/pseuds/shotastic
Summary: (also available on wattpad, user softyeollie)"i will cook for you whenever you're hungry.i will hug you whenever you need it.i will wipe your tears away whenever you cry.i will take care of you, you just need to let me."||| in which jinyoung has a crush on the boy who never eats. until he decides to help him. |||
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Im Jaebum | JB, Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam/Kim Yugyeom, Park Jinyoung/Jackson Wang
Comments: 21
Kudos: 105





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please make sure to read the tags, i do not want to trigger anyone. 
> 
> also even though there's a lot of angst and pain in it, i swear it has a happy ending. 
> 
> please enjoy, leave kudos and comments <3

  
jinyoung always saw him.   
  
he saw him in his classes, sitting either in front of him or behind him.   
he would always look down, not paying attention. but he still would manage to get average grades.   
  
when jinyoung was younger, he had always been jealous. because unlike the boy, he had to study and pay attention to every little thing the teacher said.   
but with the time the raven haired boy got used to it.   
  
  
jinyoung also saw him in the cafeteria.   
  
he would sit alone, always.   
nobody would sit next to him, never. he probably didn't have any friends and didn't want any, that's what jinyoung's friends would say.   
but he didn't agree, not even a bit.   
the boy was shy. really shy.   
and nobody wanted to talk to him either.   
  
he didn't get bullied, he got ignored. something way worse.   
  
  
jinyoung often saw him exiting the bathroom, his eyes red and puffy, his mouth covered by his pale hand.   
  
he wasn't stupid, he knew what the other did. he knew that the boy had a problem, a big one.   
  
jinyoung thought it was weird. because he never had talked to him and still; jinyoung had a huge crush.   
he didn't even know his name until he eavesdropped a conversation between two girls.  
  
  
 _"did you see him? it's unbelievable, don't you think so?"_

_"yes. i remember when he used to have those fat thighs and now, he got really skinny!"_   
_  
"i wish i knew how he did it."  
  
_

_"why don't we ask him, then?"  
_   
_"are you crazy!? we'd be outcasts like him! this jackson guy is a total loser, although he lost tons of weight in such a short time. once a loser, always a loser."  
  
  
_

jackson.   
the name sounded perfect for jinyoung.   
  
jackson, jackson, jackson. it was all he could think about.  
  
  
jinyoung remembered when the other one was happy.   
  
jackson used to be a happy, hyper young kid.   
he was always smiling and screaming and jumping around.   
  
but then, it happened.   
the boys in his math class disliked his behaviour.   
  
for them, he was fat.   
  
yes, he had thicker legs than the others, but he also had shorter legs.   
he had a round face, yes. but still. jackson was not fat, he never was.   
  
and jinyoung could scream at himself for not doing anything.   
  
he remembered.  
he heard him crying in the bathroom.  
he saw him getting paper thrown at his head.  
he saw him throwing away his lunch.  
he witnessed how the boy broke, day by day.   
his bullies never hurt him physically. but they made sure to rip him apart, until nothing was left.   
and then, jackson stopped smiling.  
he stopped eating.  
he stopped living.  
  


people still whispered behind his back. but they didn't whisper about his fat legs and face anymore.  
they whispered about his stick like legs.  
his cheekbones.  
  
  
 _"how did he get so thin?"_

_"maybe he finally wants to be handsome, too."  
_   
_"what kind of diet did he do?"  
  
_

jinyoung knew all the answers.  
but he couldn't just act like he didn't know a thing.   
not anymore.  
  
jinyoung created a plan.  
and even though jackson would never know who helped him,  
jinyoung still decided to do it.  
after all, it was his long time crush they were talking about.


	2. chocolate muffin

the next morning seemed normal at first, but jackson knew something was wrong.

why else would there be a muffin on his desk?

jackson huffed quietly and sat down, not looking at any of his classmates. he took the muffin and inspected it. it was a chocolate muffin.   
and it looked really, really tasty. 

jackson almost could hear his stomach screaming and reaching its arms out, just to get some food.   
but the chinese boy wasn't stupid.   
he looked back at his desk and noticed a small letter. it was baby blue and folded clean. the boy frowned a bit and took the letter.   
he turned it in his hands, searching for a name.   
or at least his name.   
but there was nothing.   
"what the..." he mumbled, looking up. he turned around, expecting someone to look at him. but no one did, of course. it must be a prank... jackson thought. but he still opened the envelope. slowly, almost scared of ripping it.   
he took out a white, folded paper. 

sighing, he opened it, revealing many beautiful written words.

he again looked around.   
maybe someone was looking at him, now?   
nothing.

so jackson started reading.

_'dear jackson, or shall i say hi? hello? konichiwa? honestly, it's been a long time since i wrote a letter. so please, don't laugh at my miserable self._

_so, i shall start now._

_i've noticed you don't eat at school. i don't know if it's because of the bad tasting food or because you never have money with you. do you eat at home? of course not, otherwise you wouldn't look like that. that's why i bought you this muffin. it's from the bakery you like so much. i saw you staring at it every time you passed the store window, almost drooling.  
i'm not a stalker or creep, i just randomly saw you. you don't have to pay me back, just eat it._

_you deserve it, jackson._

_yours sincerely  
pepi_

_p.s. i don't have a cool anonymous name yet, okay. don't judge, i'm not creative at all.  
^ but it is 3 am right now, what do you expect.'_

jackson huffed quietly again.   
he should eat _that?_  
he looked at the muffin again. the stranger was right, it was the one he would look at every time.   
stalker, he thought.   
jackson slowly shook his head and put the paper back in the blue envelope.   
a small part of him wanted to throw the letter away, but it was his first letter. and that made it special for him.   
putting the letter in his bag, jackson stood up and took the muffin. 

he made his way to the trashcan, looked at the food in his hands again for a moment, until he loosened his hand, letting the muffin fall down.


	3. cucumber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for numbers
> 
> (and cucumbers if you're someone who doesn't like this god made vegetable)

jackson didn't think he'd see another blue envelope ever again.   
but oh well, that was exactly what happened the next day. though this time, there wasn't a muffin.   
there was a box, baby blue. not really big, maybe the same size as jackson's hands. 

he sighed again. 

he may not liked eating, but throwing food away wasn't better in any way. 

ready to throw it away again, jackson opened the box.   
he expected everything but _this_. slices of cucumber were put in the box. cucumber. 

cucumber? why the hell?, he thought, frowning. 

being the curious person he is, jackson sat down and took the envelope, opening it.

he looked around again.

nobody paid attention to him, so he unfolded the white paper and started reading.

_'peace, jackson._

_i saw you throwing away my muffin. it makes me sad. i thought you'd eat it.  
but then i talked to a friend about you, don't worry, i didn't say your name. you know, his boyfriend once stopped eating, too.  
my friend, let's call him jb, first started to force him to eat. but he understood quickly that it wasn't right._

_tell me, jackson. do you hate yourself, too? is that the reason you stopped eating and smiling?  
don't worry, i will help you.   
i stayed up all night reading about healthy foods and now i'm way smarter than before!  
that's why i brought you cucumber. i've cut 200g into small pieces, it looked cuter that way. and you don't have to be afraid of eating it.   
cucumbers are very low in calories. only 16 kcal per 100g. pretty low, huh?   
so you got 32 kcal here. and it will also make you feel full for a while.   
did you know that 96 percent is water? so you barely eat something!   
and they are also really healthy!_

_i hope you won't throw them away.  
trust me, i know what i'm talking about._

_please just eat it._

_at least one piece._

_it would make me very very happy._

_yours sincerely,_

_pepi.'_

jackson almost wanted to throw it away. but the longer he looked at the cucumbers, the louder he heard his stomach screaming.   
he gulped and slowly took a piece, bringing it up to his mouth.   
one little bite won't hurt, right?

by the end of the day, jackson ate the whole little box empty.  
his stomach was hurting, wanting more of the precious food.

and while his body was screaming, aching and crying out in pain, his mind was full.

full of thoughts.

and after school, jackson went to the gym.


	4. eggs and salmon

jackson felt like a zombie the next day. he kept working out until he almost fainted. and now his body was sore and tired.   
the chinese boy didn't get any sleep because the voices and the thoughts decided to pay him a visit. and they still weren't gone.   
he hated it.   
all he wanted to do was to go home and sleep for a week, maybe even longer.   
_forever sounds good, huh_?, jackson slowly nodded.   
indeed, forever sounded very good.   
he sat down, still not noticing the blue box and the blue envelope on his desk. his stomach was screaming, begging him to stop the pain, to eat something.   
but jackson didn't listen.   
instead he took out his water bottle, drinking it empty. it felt refreshing but it still wasn't enough.   
jackson held back a whimper, he hugged his stomach tightly and writhed. nobody paid attention to the hurt boy, of course.   
why would someone do that? jackson was a 'nobody', he was nothing.   
now he finally noticed the letter. and the box. jackson gulped, hesitantly opening it.   
scrambled eggs and salmon.   
the boy felt his stomach crying out loud.   
immediately he closed the box again, pushing it as far away as possible. jackson bit his lip. _i c_ _an't eat that_ , he thought, _i_ _just_ _can't_.   
to distract himself, jackson took the blue envelope, opened it and started reading. this time though, he didn't look around if someone was watching him.   
what a pity because if he'd done it, jackson would have seen the worried look of the person.

_'dear jackson,_   
_you ate my food yesterday. t_ _hank you, i'm proud of you. but you went to the gym, right? a friend of mine saw you there._   
_he told me you were exercising like crazy. he also told me you almost fainted._   
_jackson, why are you doing this? your body doesn't deserve all the pain..._   
_but i'll help you. we'll do this together, okay?_   
_please don't ever give up. you're so beautiful and all i want is to see the amazing smile and to hear your beautiful laugh._   
_i'll be there for you, jackson._

_as you can see, i cooked eggs and salmon for you. it isn't high in calories,_ _this meal here has 1_ _50_ _calories. a_ _nd it's high in protein, it also got enough fat, things that your body needs. (i calculated it, too. just for you) 19,4g protein, 7,_ _5g fat._   
_before you freak out, there's a difference between unhealthy fat and healthy fat. and the one this meal has is definitely healthy._   
_please eat it up and please do not exercise today._   
_take a rest, my love. after everything that has happened, you deserve one._   
_yours sincerely_   
_pepi.'_

_my love? beautiful laugh? amazing smile?_ jackson shook his head.   
pepi lied, of course he did.   
the boy put the letter in his bag and opened the box again.   
_o_ _nly 150 calories? that won't kill me, will it?_ , he thought and took the plastic fork.  
and he ate it.

jackson felt guilty and he wanted to exercise so badly. but he also wanted pepi to be proud, god knows why.   
so he tried to ignore it.  
he really tried to.  
but then his bullies came back. they had seen him eating.  
and at the end of the day, jackson had thrown up in the boys bathroom. 


	5. strawberries and almond milk

he hated his life. jackson hated his life so fucking much. why did his bullies still think he was fat? wasn't he already skinny enough? skinny enough to be seen, to be liked, to be loved? whenever jackson wrapped his hand around his wrist, his index finger and thumb touching, there would be so much space. jackson sighed and stood in front of the room. he was late. the day started bad for him. not only couldn't he sleep because his stomach kept hurting, his mother also ignored him again. they had a fight yesterday and it... it just didn't end well at all. he almost fainted while running to the bus stop and now he was late, too.   
to sum it all up; jackson felt like shit, he wanted to cry.   
"i don't want them to stare..." he mumbled, biting his lip and looking down. he slowly started to poke his thigh. _fat_ , he thought. taking a deep breath, jackson knocked and entered the room. but nobody looked at him. nobody paid attention. and that almost made him break down and cry. yes, he maybe was scared of being looked at, but that didn't mean he was okay with being ignored either. if he just would turn his head to the right, he would see the raven haired boy. he would see him looking at him, worried sick. but jackson didn't.   
only the teacher looked at him, shaking his head in disappointment and writing down his name. it was the third time jackson had been late, but he couldn't care less. even though he knew that he would get detention the next time. he went to his desk and sat down.  
there was it again.

a blue envelope, a blue box and a blue small bottle. pepi seemed to like blue a lot. _hopefully i'll be able to ask why._ jackson hesitantly took the envelope. did he want to read it? he slowly nodded. yes, he did.

and so he opened it, not paying attention to the teacher who just shook his head again.

_'oh jackson_   
_why did you throw up yesterday? everything seemed so good... did someone insult you, again? what did they say? and tell me who did and i'll have a small and nice chat with them._   
_but don't worry, i'm still really proud of you. you kept the food until school ended and i think that's amazing, babe. i still hope you liked the food. or did your stomach hurt? i did some research on the web and now i know that it possibly can hurt. you should've told me, then i would've made something lighter and easier to digest for you!_   
_that's why i prepared some strawberries for you. don't you think they look cute? almost as cute as you._

_almost._   
_oh and i thought since you probably drink around 5 litres per day, why not try something else? water gets boring after a while, doesn't it? so i brought a bottle filled with almond milk, too. both does taste really good. and you know how many calories this breakfast has? only 131 calories._   
_yes i know it sounds much for you, but it isn't, really. please don't be scared by a number, it won't do anything bad. trust me, it'll be okay if you eat it all._   
_oh and in case you were wondering how i knew that you had been throwing up;_   
_i was in the cabin next to yours at that moment. and how did i know it was you?_   
_because i heard you crying afterwards._   
_and the sound of you crying is the only sound that makes my heart break into million pieces._   
_i love you, jackson wang._

_yours sincerely_   
_pepi'_

_i love you, i love you, i love you._ jackson gulped and put the paper away. how was someone able to love him? he shook his head. pepi lied, of course he did. was he even a boy? or a girl? maybe they were a pedophile? _but how am i supposed to tell him who insulted me?_ , he asked himself. jackson then ripped off a small piece of paper and started to write down names. he folded it and left it on the chair.   
jackson shrugged and opened the box, starting to eat.  
and the raven haired boy smiled brightly.  
\---  
 _"are you fucking stupid how are we supposed to beat up five boys who look like they breathe weights and protein."_  
 **"i agree on this, it's the worst idea ever."**  
"don't be whiny, let's go losers.  
\---  
 _"i can't believe we're doing this."_  
"will you shut up now jaebum."  
 **"tell my mum i love her."**  
"stop being a dramatic ass bitch mook."  
\---  
"how can you guys be so stupid? jesus, what would've happened if i hadn't come to help? i can't believe that."  
 _"it was all jinyoung's idea."_

"yeah man, love you too."  
"could one of you maybe now tell me the reason for this?"  
 **"jinyoung's in love."**  
"oh come on, why are you like this."  
\---  
"yeah, uh, wait!"  
"what do you want now?"

"thank you for helping us... i guess otherwise we would've ended up in the hospital."

"oh god please stop bowing you're embarrassing me."

"haha, yeah okay. may i know your name?"

"i'm mark."

"mark? i've heard that name here before."  
"yeah, i'm the student council president."

"oh, well...fuck."


	6. bacon and brussels sprouts

jackson did always admire the student council president. you could even say he had a small crush on him. but it wasn't because he liked the way mark talked or the way he laughed about jokes. hell, he even knew that the boy was as straight as a ruler. the only thing that made jackson look after him whenever he walked past him was his body. those long, thin legs, his thin and yet somewhat muscular arms. the jawline and the collarbones. in summer, jackson would always hide behind the bushes, watching mark swimming in the school's swimming pool. he was the captain of the swimming club. jackson always admired the way he would bent down, not a single drop of fat showing. unlike jackson, whose stomach would have many fat rolls. for jackson, mark's body was his dream body. and while he thought he was still too fat to be considered skinny, like mark, everyone else was slowly getting concerned.

or like the raven haired boy, worried sick.  
and that's why he again left him an envelope, together with a blue box.

but this time, jackson didn't see it. not because he was blind or something, but because he didn't attend the class.  
the chinese boy didn't even know why. it was like a wave of sudden anxiety crashed down on him, right in front of the classroom's door. and that was why he fled to the bathroom, hiding in one of the cabins. and he stayed there, till the bell rang as a sign for the start of his lunch break. whit his eyes being red and puffy, his lips looking swollen and his body shaking, jackson left the bathroom.   
he knew that his bullies would soon arrive there, doing god knows what. and he knew that with his not existing strength right now, he just couldn't survive the pain they'd give him.

while jackson was walking around, he saw him.   
mark.   
he was looking at his phone, sometimes licking his lips. and his face was bruised.   
his mouth angle was ripped and his left eye was coloured blue and purple. jackson took a deep breath and walked towards him.   
he always wanted to tell him his, kinda existing, feelings.   
and well, jackson was just confused.   
he didn't know that the 'feeling' he felt wasn't love.

poor boy knew nothing about love.

when he finally stood in front of him, his legs shaking, mark looked up and tilted his head. "u-uhm..." jackson stuttered and immediately looked down.   
this was a bad idea, the worst idea ever.   
black points started to appear in front of jackson's eyes, he gulped. "hey. what's your name? can i help you somehow?" mark said, smiling softly. jackson nodded, his body shaking even more. "i-i'm jackson and i want to-"

he did not get any further.  
and the last thing he knew was that he fainted and that mark catched him before he was falling down.

when jackson woke up, mark wasn't there anymore. instead there was a boy, sitting on a plastic chair. he was reading a book while drinking a cup tea.   
the chinese boy groaned and sat up, causing the other one to look up. "you are finally awake." his voice was surprisingly really calming. jackson just nodded and the boy stood up, putting his book and cup aside.   
"how are you feeling? does anything hurt? you're lucky that mark catched you before you fell down. you could've ended up seriously hurt." the raven haired boy looked at him, smiling sadly. he grabbed a glass and filled it with water. after that, he walked over to jackson, holding the glass right in front of his mouth. "here, drink it up. i'm sure you still feel a bit nauseous." since jackson felt too weak to even lift his hands, he let the boy help him with drinking.   
he felt his hand going slowly up and down his back. when he was done, the raven haired one put the glass away. "oh, someone was here and brought something for you." jackson frowned and watched the boy get something out of a bag.   
two envelopes and a blue box.   
pepi.   
jackson almost smiled, almost. "here you go." the boy gave the things to him, smiling softly. "thank you." he mumbled and put everything next to him.   
"uh, do you...do you perhaps know who brought it?" shyly, jackson started to play with his hands, not looking up. "no, i'm sorry. i just know that it was a boy."   
_perfect. i am gay anyway._ jackson nodded again and stood up.   
he took the things and bowed to the boy. "thank you for the help, i will go back now." the raven haired nodded and put his hands on jackson's shoulder, softly rubbing it. he smiled. "take care of you, jackson. okay? i don't want to see your unconscious body here again."   
he laughed, letting his eyes form into two crescents. jackson nodded again and then left the room. since the lessons had already started, the floors were empty. jackson didn't really want to participate in any classes anymore so he again went to the bathroom, knowing that it know would be empty.   
he locked himself in one of the cabins and sat down, ripping the first letter open.

_'good morning my love._

_i took care of the bullies for you. they won't hurt you any more now._

_how are you? how does your stomach feel? you ate everything yesterday, i am so proud of you. you didn't throw up at home, did you? nor did you exercise to death, right? you don't believe how proud i am feeling while writing this letter. no, really! i'm smiling soooo wide right now, haha._

_today i made you... well. i don't know. i didn't have much time to think and i am sorry about that. it's just that a friend, let's call him bambam, had a fight with his boyfriend and then he came over crying. you know, they have some kind of a toxic relationship and i told him often enough that'd be better if they just broke up and- ah! scratch that! i'm not supposed to drown you with my worries, am i? ANYWAY_

_i don't know what i made you. i don't have a name for it so let's just call it 'desperate pepi' because that was how i was feeling at the moment._

_a total of 190 calories. seems much? it's not! just subtract the 0 and you get 19. or even better, subtract the 19 and you get 0. 0 calories, just for you, jackie._

_enjoy it!_

_\- pepi'_

jackson laughed quietly. and at the same time he wished pepi didn't stop talking about his worries. he wanted to help him, too. the chinese boy shook his head and opened the second letter.

_'two letters in a row, what's going on._

_you're not in school. i'm writing this letter while the teacher's talking about some weird numbers and variables, whatever._

_are you okay? did you get sick? jackson, where are you? i'm really worried right now. i wish i knew your adress or your number, but i don't. do you feel alright? please tell me you're okay._   
_i don't want to have a mental breakdown in class but ah! teacher called me out. let me just solve the task, wait._

_okay, i'm back. and i solved it right. i'm smart, haha._

_it's so boring without you to look at. did i already tell you how beautiful you are?_   
_you always were._

_aren't you curious? don't you want to know who i am? in every book i've read, the main character was already after the third letter curious. and that's my...screw the math._   
_it's better for me i guess. because i'd probably die in front of you._   
_not like that-ugh._   
_i guess i'd be really awkward and shy? i don't know._

_i love you._

_i love you._

** _jackson wang, i love you lots._ ** **** _( < i made sure to write this bold enough.)_

_to the moon and back. and that over a million times. no, billion. drillion. infinite times._

_-pepi'_

and now jackson was crying and smiling. he pressed the white paper against his chest, feeling his heart beating furiously. he didn't know what love was.   
but maybe, maybe the boy was able to teach him love.

and jackson wanted nothing more but that.


	7. peanut butter and jelly sandwich

it was probably the first time jackson was excited to go to school again. after a long weekend of not eating, working out a bit and being bored, he could not wait to see a letter on his desk again.  
jackson wasn't smiling but the way he walked to his classroom, slightly bouncing with every step he did, his head raised up and not lowered like on every other day, yes.

you could see he was really excited.

jackson entered the room, he and another boy were the only one. it was still pretty early and the chinese was surprised to see someone else already sitting down.   
shrugging, jackson made his way to his desk, already seeing the blue envelope. he had to fight back the urge to giggle.   
he sat down and opened the blue box, revealing a sandwich. peanut butter and jelly. did pepi know that this used to be his favourite? jackson shook his head and smiled slightly.   
he started to eat, quietly sighing.   
it still tasted amazing.

the boy in the corner looked up and started smiling. he closed his book and just watched jackson eating.

as soon as he finished, jackson pouted a bit. he wished he could turn back the time just to taste this piece of heaven again, but that wasn't possible.   
sighing sadly, jackson opened the envelope and started reading, not hearing the soft chuckle from the boy behind him.

_'hello jackie_

_how are you? i've heard you fainted on friday. are you okay now? did you have a good weekend? did you eat? or only exercised? so many questions that you can't answer._   
_sometimes i wish i would just come to you and sit down, talk to you and ask you all those questions. it'd be definitely easier than this here._

_but let's keep this for the day we will finally meet, yes?_

_i'm sorry that i couldn't make you something more special than this, but at least i chose the bread with lesser calories. i compared them in the store for around 30 minutes, i'm sure i must have looked really weird._   
_yes, i'm really sorry though, i just had things to take care of._   
_sometimes i also wish that my friends wouldn't be like that. i feel like everyone i love has so many problems and i just want to help them but i think i can't._   
_do i help you, at least? or do i make everything even worse?_

_i don't know. i've never had an eating disorder, i don't know what it's like. and i'm sorry for that._

_i know that jb's boyfriend had one, along with many other problems._   
_but that's about it. i still can't believe jb was able to help jae a bit, it's amazing and so brave, don't you think?_

_tell me, jackson, how are you feeling while you eat? what made you hate yourself? do you even want to be helped? or should i just stop? jackson, i don't know. i don't want to maybe even make you feel worse than you might already do._   
_i just, i just love you so freaking much and i just want you to be happy and healthy and all bouncy and hyper and giggly and ugh. i'd do anything for you. ( <oh god i feel so whipped bu that's just the truth)_   
_but what if you don't want any of it? '_

jackson folded the letter, trying to stop his tears.   
_eating disorder_ , he thought. he did not have an eating disorder, he wasn't sick.

he was just dieting.

jackson stood up, looking at the letter in his hands. he gulped and shook his head.   
how dared pepi to say stuff like that.  
the chinese went up to the trashcan, ready to throw the letter away when a hand held his wrist softly.

"are you sure you want to throw it away?" a voice said.

jackson turned his head and saw the raven haired boy. it was him, the one who helped him when he had fainted. "why do you care." he hissed and pulled his hand away from his, already missing the oddly warm feeling it gave him.   
the boy smiled softly. "it's just that i noticed how the letters make you happy. and i think, whatever you just read, maybe the person didn't mean it like that." jackson looked down, unfolded and folded the paper a few times. "it's...complicated." he muttered.   
the boy chuckled again. "i'm sure it is. but i still think you shouldn't throw away something like that. you know, letters can have so many feelings in them, isn't that amazing? just like in the book i'm reading. words are unbelievable, don't you think so? the way they can make you feel things. it's amazing."

jackson looked at the boy. he was fascinated by him. the way his mouth was moving, letting out words with such a wonderful meaning.  
it was weird for him, though. he barely knew the other and still, there was something fascinating in him.   
"i would ask you what the letter was about but i think that's something you should keep to yourself." the chinese one sighed. "it's just, they don't understand." he muttered shyly.   
nodding slowly, the other one ran his hand through his hair. "you know, people often don't understand each other. but i think if you try to make them understand, the will be willing to listen to you, to understand you. that's what everything's about right? it's all about teaching and understanding."

jackson wanted to answer, he wanted to keep the conversation up a little longer. he wanted to keep listening to those words but he was too slow.

the raven haired looked up to the clock. "oh, look. the other students should arrive soon." he smiled at jackson again, turning his back and walking towards his seat. 

"w-wait!" jackson grabbed the others wrist, turning him back to him. "what's your name?"  
the raven haired boy chuckled and loosened his hand just to grab it softly.   
he was staring at jackson's thin and pale hand while slowly rubbing the back of it with his thumb.   
he then looked up again, smiling.   
his eyes were formed to small crescents again.

he let go of jackson's hand so slowly, it felt like everything around them happened in slow motion.

"my name is jinyoung, park jinyoung."

and with that, he let go completely.

and jackson found himself craving for more.


	8. banana bread

today, jackson loved his life.   
  
his mother finally decided to buy him a puppy because of his good grades, he found money on his way to school and an old lady told him how beautiful he looked while smiling. his life just couldn't get any better. even when he arrived in school, nothing bad happened. his bullies just ignored him, mark even waved at him and asked about his well-being.   
  
today, his life was perfect.  
  
actually jackson didn't have to come to school so early. there was a lack of teachers which meant for him that his first class was always cancelled. but jackson didn't like it at home so he always came this early, spending his time in the libabry. and even though he knew that pepi surely had prepared something for him, he didn't expect it to be in the library.   
  
but oh, would you take a look at jackson's table. there it was again, a letter, a box and... a bag?   
  
jackson frowned and walked towards the table. he slowly sat down, already taking out the book he was supposed to read for his english class. it was actually due today but since jackson already knew the book in and out he was only flipping through the pages, reading every third or fourth sentence. and honestly, pepi's letters were way more important than the tragic romance of romeo and juliet.   
  
he just had to set priorities.   
  
being the curious little kid he is, jackson first opened the bag, revealing a stuffed black cat.

jackson giggled. he didn't know why exactly pepi bought it but it was cute anyway. the chinese put the stuffie away and opened the box. _bread?_ he thought and looked around before he lowered his head, sniffling. _banana. banana bread!_ jackson smiled happily and ripped a small piece of it, slowly eating if. of course it tasted good, pepi just was an amazing cook.  
finally he took the letter, opening it slower than he did with the other things. he still hadn't forgotten about what he had said yesterday. _'it's all about teaching and understanding.'_ he also still remembered his conversation with jinyoung yesterday.   
jackson sighed and unfolded the paper.   
he couldn't be mad at pepi anyway.

_' jackson wang, i_ _love_ _you._   
_please take the cat and take care of_ _it_ _. my best friend_ _bambam_ _had once given it to me, saying i would remind him of a cat._

_enjoy the food, too._

_and_ _I_ _am_ _sorry_ _for_ _making_ _you mad. please forgive me._

_i accepted my mistake._

_will_ _you accept my apology?_

_yours sincerely,_   
_pepi'_

jackson sighed.   
pepi was probably more mad at himself than jackson was.   
yes, what he did wasn't great but jackson just couldn't hate him. it wasn't possible for him.  
because maybe, maybe he had already fallen for the letter boy. without jackson knowing and even realizing it of course.  
he took the stuffie and inspected it. it was cute. like, really cute.   
  
_if pepi looks like that then he must look really_ _cute_ _,_ jackson smiled.   
  
he tried to imagine how he may looked. black hair? definitely. brown eyes. or maybe he wore contacts? pepi probably also would have a deep calming voice. and a lovely and cute laugh. maybe he had dimples?   
jackson wanted to know it so bad.  
he wanted to hear his laugh, he wanted to see his smile, he wanted to feel his hands. and maybe, just maybe, he wanted to kiss him. feel his lips on his own.  
were they soft and plump? or thin? were they more heart shaped? what did they taste like? strawberry? what colour were they? pink or something more like rose?  
jackson shook his head and put the letter in his bag. he stood up, taking the blue plastic bag and the blue box, and left the library. suddenly feeling the urge to use the bathroom, jackson changed his ways and entered the bathroom. after he had done his business and washed his hands, he looked up.

and that was his mistake.

because ever since pepi had started to take care of him, jackson managed to avoid one certain thing.  
  
mirrors.  
  
and when he saw his reflection, he was shocked. because that what he was seeing, that **thing** , it wasn't him.  
  
this boy here had chubby cheeks, jackson's face slowly got round again. and his body? the shirt wasn't as loose as it used to be, it didn't hang down like a bag, it almost   
fit... **perfectly.**  
  
his jeans weren't baggy anymore, they started to hug his legs softly. his thighs...they were bigger. they weren't stick like anymore, they almost looked... **normal**.  
  
he looked at his wrist, it wasn't bony anymore. and when jackson wrapped his fingers around it, the big space that used to be there didn't exist anymore.  
  
  
jackson's bottom lip started shaking, tears were forming.

he had gained weight.  
he now was the fat boy again.

it all crashed down to him, all the thoughts,   
the words that people used to say,  
the laughter he used to hear,   
the pain he used to feel.

and jackson fell down on his knees, pushing the box to the ground. he sobbed loudly. jackson cried, he felt like his breath suddenly got taken away.   
again, the chinese looked at his hands.

his fat fingers.

"i am so fat, why am i so stupid?", he whimpered.  
his hands made their way up to his head and he started to punch himself. he'd never thought he would ever think that, but jackson wished his bullies were here.  
they would beat him up.  
punish him,  
giving him what he deserves.  
because jackson was weak and stupid, and he had to be punished.  
for letting himself becoming like that.

the chinese was sobbing, pulling his hair and his legs slowly started to get wet.  
jackson forgot to turn off the water and now it started to drop over the edges of the sink down to his knee. because this stupid school was never able to properly take care of the bathrooms, making all the sinks unable to do its damn job. just like jackson. the sink wasn't supposed to let the water drop over the edges on the dirty floor, but it did.   
jackson wasn't supposed to gain weight and get fat, but he did.

no wonder everyone ignored him, he was stupid and weak.

and now he also was fat again.  
pathetic.

and while he sat there, crying his eyes out, shaking and trying to breathe properly, while his pants got soaked in water and tears, while jackson hurt himself in any different ways; slapping his cheek, biting his lip till it started to bleed, scratching his hands and arms.   
trying to punish himself, just like he deserved it.

someone entered the room.

the boy turned off the water and sat down next to the crying chinese.  
"it's okay, jackson. i am here for you.", the boy whispered and pulled him onto his lap, rocking jackson back and forth slowly.  
jackson hugged him as his life depended on the other one.  
and right now, it really did.

because jackson was drowning and the boy was his anchor, saving him from the ocean of tears, self hate and suicidal thoughts.   
being the light at the end of the tunnel.   
the angel that took him to heaven.

"i am here."  
jinyoung said.

and the bread laid in the ground, soaked in water, making it inedible.


	9. porridge

it had been a week since jackson saw jinyoung the last time. not like he cared or anything, he barely knew the boy anyway. it was just weird.   
  
pepi still made him something to eat everyday, but that slowly changed, too. well, kinda. the foods he'd give him were mostly just some quick five minutes meals.   
of course the chinese was still thankful and happy, but he felt like something was wrong.   
pepi's letters got shorter, he barely told jackson anything anymore.  
  
and he got worried more day by day. what happened to jinyoung? what happened to pepi? why was his heart beating so fast whenever he thought of the raven haired boy? and why was it also beating so fast whenever he thought of pepi? could he possibly be...  
  
no. not two people. he couldn't have fallen for two persons. he didn't love any of them.  
  
jackson looked at the box in front of him. he hadn't opened it yet. not even the letter. he was afraid. afraid of only seeing a small 'enjoy' on the paper, he was afraid of having to worry even more. jackson was afraid of losing pepi.   
  
yawning, he rubbed his eyes. the chinese had stayed awake the whole night, thinking about things that might could have happened to the other. and jinyoung. because somehow, he also worried about the raven haired boy.   
jackson's stomach growled. "alright, let's just hope for the best.", he said to himself and opened the box.  
  
and _wow._  
  
the chinese knew pepi could cook.  
  
but that was something that made his heart flutter in excitement. it smelled like heaven, it looked like heaven and it probably tasted like heaven, too. oatmeal with fruits.   
you might think that it wasn't something special at all, but for jackson, someone who hadn't had any homemade meals since the start of his diet, every meal was precious and amazing.   
he slowly started eating and he enjoyed every single small bite.  
his worries about pepi were completely gone as soon as he opened the blue envelope.   
because this time, there were even two papers in it, it was like a small novel. at least that's what jackson thought.  
  
not noticing the tired smile of the raven haired boy, the way he sighed and turned next to his friend, a tall and skinny red haired boy.   
not noticing how he yawned while rubbing the others back, how the red haired boy laid his head on his shoulder.   
not noticing how the latter's eyes started to tear, ruining his amazingly done make up.   
  
no, jackson didn't notice a thing. not because he was ignorant, but because he was in his own little happy world. a world with pepi and him, only them and no one else.  
  
but if he'd noticed, you can trust me on this, he would have stood up and sat next to the red haired and hugged him. because that what the latter was going through right now, was too much for a soul to handle.  
  
  
but no, jackson didn't notice them.  
  


_'things i like about jackson wang; by ji|pepi (i almost wrote my whole name_ _ahhhh_ _)_

_I. his hair. no joke, when he dyed it blonde i almost DIED. i felt so attacked. i mean, brown makes him look cute. blonde makes him look_ _d-_ _i won't say it. his hair seems so fluffy, i want to play with it. (man, i am weird.)_

_II_ _. his eyes. honestly, his eyes are so pretty. they may look '_ _boring'_ _and normal to him and others but not to me. they remind me of chocolate, hot chocolate on a cold day. whenever i looked him in the eyes (and i had some chances to do so) i felt warm and comfortable. i felt safe._

_III_ _. his smile. it is the most beautiful smile i have ever seen and i love seeing him happy. whenever he smiles, i do, too. fuck, it is so beautiful i could start crying._

_IV_ _. his laugh. to be honest, thinking about him being happy is the most beautiful thought ever._

_V. his existence._   
_there's not much paper left and i'm crying right now but i just can't believe someone as beautiful as him exists. i love him so flipping much, my friends even said i'm whipped. and you know what, yes i am._   
_i am so damn whipped for jackson wang and do i care? hell no. because seeing him happy is all i need to feel good and happy, too. and yes, i would do anything for him if that means i get to see his smile a little longer._

_..._

_well, i wrote this five days ago. i was too shy to actually give it to you, that's why i only wrote you small little notes._ _jb_ _needed some help with his boyfriend and bambam... well, he's going through some shit right now so i had to be there for him, too. that's why i barely had time for anything._   
_i'm sorry,_ _jackie_ _. you know i love you, right? i hope you didn't think i don't want to talk to you anymore. i'd never ignore you, never never never ever._

_i miss hearing you talk, jackson. being excited, hyper. laughing and jumping around. showing everyone pictures of the puppy you want to get once you're old enough. making the girls laugh with your jokes. i miss your happy, healthy self so much._   
_i hope one day you will be like that again. or at least the smile part. i want to see you smiling again. and everything. i want to hug you, to kiss you, to hold your hand. i want to call you mine. i want to be able to talk to you and not only write letters. i want so much, will i get everything i long for?_   
_i don't know._

_the letter is now two papers long, oops. two papers full of love. (and tears because i'm still crying.)_   
_i love you, jackie._   
_feel kissed, or hugged or i don't know what. whatever you want._   
_because i'd do everything you tell me, anyway. ugh, i'm really whipped, aren't i?_   
_yours sincerely,_   
_pepi._   
_p.s. let's meet soon, yeah?'_

jackson smiled brightly. pressing the paper to his chest and closing his eyes, he whispered softly, "i love you, too."  
because he now was sure what love was.   
  
love was the feeling of safety, it was the feeling of warmth even though it's raining and cold. it was feeling comfortable even though you're laying down on the ground with no blanket and no pillow. it was the need of holding the others hand all the time, not because you just want to, but because you want to have them by your side as long as possible. because without them, you'd be waiting for the time to pass, you'd be waiting till you see them again. you'd be counting seconds restless, looking at the clock, not daring to move your head away. you'd get tired, wanting to go to bed, but you never would. not until the other was with you, too. and when the other would come back, you would slowly take their hand and pull them into a hug. you'd tell them you missed them, even though it only passed a hour. love was losing the feeling of time, it was mixing up a hour with a minute. it was missing your bus because you spent too much time with the other. it was going back at night because you wanted to be there when the other was falling asleep.   
  
  
love was...something that jackson also felt towards someone else.

and when the raven haired boy left the school, holding the red haired boy's hand, he felt the exact same. jinyoung looked up to the sky, noticing how the clouds were turning grey. he felt the first raindrop touching his skin, and he smiled and stood still.  
the red haired boy stopped walking, too, looking up and closing his eyes whenever a raindrop touched his cheek softly.   
  
"do you feel the same right now, too?"  
"yes.", jinyoung said smiling. "yes i do."  
bambam laughed quietly, lowering his head. "and do you think he does, too?" jinyoung put his arm around his friend, pulling him a bit closer. he pointed at the brown haired boy who was coming up their way, holding a pile of white lilies.  
"i think he does. yes, he definitely does."

and bambam ran up to the boy, falling into his arms.  
  
and the couple next to jinyoung giggled, sharing sweet kisses with each other.  
  
and jb stroked his boyfriend's hair, telling him how beautiful he was.  
  
and jinyoung still stood there, feeling the rain on his body.  
  
and jackson was at home, cuddling with his puppy and looking outside the window.  
  
both of them just waited for their significant other to appear in front of them  
  
both of them waited for the right moment.  
  
  


love was surely something amazing, don't you think so?


	10. watermelon

jackson was sitting on the ground, his legs pulled to his chest, staring into empty space. for others he might looked normal, just like a calm person, but actually it was the complete opposite. jackson wanted to cry and scream, he wanted to throw things around.

he wanted to tell pepi how much he hated him.

but he did nothing.

he just sat there on the grass of the school's garden, rocking himself slightly back and forth.

he mumbled words, words that were supposed to calm him. but hell, they did nothing.

due to the lack of teachers, jackson had been able to ditch health class pretty often, but suddenly his teacher decided to come back and start teaching again.

and with one stupid sentence, he destroyed everything.

_"let's get you all weighed and calculate your bmi. we will learn about healthy eating and about the nutritiouns your body needs, we will also talk about what happens when your body doesn't get what it needs."_

the whole class was jackson's personal hell.

he had to listen to everyone talking about eating. fruits and vegetables, bread and rice, fish and nuts.   
they even talked about jackson's so called 'bad foods'.  
sweets and pizza, burgers and fries.

he had to listen to them talking about people like him. how they were sick, how they belonged to the hospital, how they were meant to die.

he had to listen to them telling the teacher their daily consume.

800 calories, _i am on a diet right now._

1000 calories, _i was on a diet but i try to decrease my intake now slowly._

1600 calories, _i am maintaining right now._

1800 calories, _my doctor told me to gain a few pounds._

2000 calories, _i work out daily and i need enough energy._

and then there was him. the one who either ate 0 or 3000 calories. the one who either ate nothing or ate everything. the one who either worked out till he fainted or never worked out.

of course he didn't say that.  
because he was skipped and ignored again.

it's not like he mattered to anyone anyway, right?

jackson successfully managed to survive the class until it was time to get weighed.

take of your shoes, they said.

take of your shirt, they said.

don't worry, it's only you and i, they said.

and when he stood on the scale, watching the numbers changing and changing, he wished he hadn't eaten pepi's porridge yesterday. he wished he hadn't eaten the scrambled eggs and the salmon he once made. he wished he hadn't eaten the cucumbers.

he wished he had just continued to starve himself to death.

because death surely was better than seeing the number on the scale.

120lbs, they noted.

jackson used to weigh 110lbs before pepi started to pay him attention.  
his lowest weight was 99lbs but he noticed his health getting worse so he had to gain to not have to pay the doctors a visit.  
and his highest weight was 149lbs.  
it was hell.

how tall are you, they asked.

5'7, he answered, putting on his shirt and shoes.

so your bmi is 18.8, you're perfectly healthy, they said and looked at him.

and when jackson left the room, he felt tears forming in his eyes.  
he gained 10 pounds.  
in two weeks.

was that the yo-yo effect everyone talked about?

his bmi was perfectly healthy.   
jackson used to be perfectly skinny.

and now he felt obese.

he probably was obese.  
perfectly obese.

jackson still sat on the ground, everyone had already left the school.  
and now he was alone, alone with his self destructive thoughts.

"what are you staring at?"

or maybe he wasn't.

shaking his head, jackson looked up. jinyoung stood there, smiling down to him.   
the chinese just shrugged and turned away again. why was he always there? couldn't he just let him hate himself in peace?  
the raven haired's smile disappeared and was replaced by a frown. sitting next to him, jinyoung opened the bag that he had brought with him.   
"someone told me to give this to you. he seems to really like you." jinyoung took out a blue box and an envelope. thinking about pepi made jackson feel sick. in the end, it was his fault that he was like this, right?

"i don't want it. keep it." he mumbled and huffed.

raising his eyebrow, jinyoung looked at the box. "why? i thought you liked the presents the person always gives you?" he opened the box and smiled. "look, watermelon." he showed it to the chinese who huffed in response. "oh please, watermelon on a sunny day is great. shall we eat it together?"

and the self destructive part inside him was screaming a no, saying he was already obese. but one look in jinyoung's eyes made him slowly raise his hand and take a piece. hesitantly shoving it into his mouth, he kept looking at jinyoung who didn't take his eyes off of him either. once jackson swallowed the fruit, the other smiled. "tasty, huh?" the chinese just nodded, taking another piece.   
holding it in front of jinyoung's mouth, he looked at him expecting. "here.", he mumbled, "take some, too." the raven haired boy chuckled and opened his mouth, letting jackson feed him with blushing cheeks.

and that's how both of them spent the rest of the day. feeding each other with the sweet fruit and talking about random things.  
they watched the sun disappear behind the clouds. the sudden coldness made jackson shiver. and of course the other noticed that. jinyoung stood up, taking of his jacket. "here, put it on. you shouldn't get sick." he smiled and put the jacket over the other's shoulders. not saying a word but blushing hard, jackson nodded and put the jacket on. slightly cuddling the soft fabric, he smiled shyly. "we should leave now, the sun's almost set completely. and the school won't stay open forever." nodding, jackson stood up, taking the now empty box and the envelope.

"come on, let's go shall we?"

jinyoung took jackson's hand in his and started walking towards the school's gate.

it was the first time jackson wasn't walking home alone.  
it was the first time someone held his hand without looking disgusted.  
it was the first time jackson was brought home by someone.  
it was the first time he fell asleep with a smile on his face, thinking about a certain someone.

and it was the first time he didn't read pepi's letter.

because somehow, jinyoung made him feel exactly like pepi did. no, a little bit better even. because jinyoung was... somehow different and yet so similar.

safe.  
and loved.


	11. fruit parfait

jackson was staring at the clock. only four minutes and 32 seconds until the bell would ring, signaling everyone that it's time for lunch. and it was the first time that jackson was actually looking forward to it.   
pepi had made him a fruit parfait and it looked so amazing, the chinese almost ate it right away. but he fought the urge and waited for his break.   
jackson started to go to the gym again, it wasn't really because of him feeling the need to burn the calories he ate, it was more because he wanted to be pretty for someone. even though the certain one always told him he was beautiful, no matter what. jackson just felt like it wouldn't hurt to build some muscles, you know, abs were pretty trendy right now. even though jackson thought that those chocolate abs actually looked really weird and fake, it was never bad to gain some muscles. 

three minutes and 12 seconds.

jackson started to feel nervous, his hands were getting sweaty.

two minutes and 43 seconds.

he had planned something for today, but now he was scared.

two minutes and ten seconds

he should just not do it, it was stupid of him thinking he could actually do it.

one minute and 25 seconds.

but he didn't want to not do it. he prepared himself for so long, he talked in front of the mirror so often, he wouldn't let it all be a waste of time

34 seconds.

no, jackson would do it. he would definitely do it.

five.

four.

three.

two.

one.

the bell rang. everyone packed their things and left the room, the teacher closed his bag and left also.

only jackson and someone else was left in the room.

and when the raven haired boy was about to leave, jackson stood up and started talking "w-wait!" jinyoung turned around and smiled at the chinese, tilting his head a little bit. "yes? do you need something?"

now or never.

jackson took a deep breath, his cheeks turned pink. "can we, can we maybe eat lunch together?" he didn't notice how something in jinyoung's eyes lit up as he smiled even more. he didn't notice the happy look. at least not completely. why would jinyoung look so happy?  
the other one nodded. "yes, yes of course! let's go, jackson!" he giggled and took the chinese's hand.

well, let's just say that jinyoung was really happy.  
like, really really happy. he felt like he had just won the lottery.

together, they both went to the cafeteria, still holding each others hand. jackson was shyly looking down, his cheeks were burning. and jinyoung was grinning from ear to ear. when they both found a table to sit, jackson took out the amazingly looking parfait and the still unopened letter. "woah, did you make this? it looks really tasty!" jinyoung said, looking at jackson's lunch. he himself only had a normal sandwich. he didn't have time this morning to make himself something else since there were other things that were more important. jackson smiled and shook his head. "no, someone special made it for me it. it looks really amazing, right?" the chinese opened the envelope. "you don't mind if i read it quickly, do you?" jinyoung also shook his head. "i don't. go ahead."  
jackson smiled again.  
jinyoung really was amazing.

_'roses are red_   
_violets are blue_   
_grass is green_   
_and i love you_

_i can't rhyme, i'm sorry._   
_let me try it again_

_roses are red_   
_violets are blue_   
_i made it with love_   
_just for you_

_oh gosh, it sounds so cringey._

_wait! i'll try again._

_the sun is up_   
_the sky is blue_   
_today is beautiful_   
_and so are you!_

_it took me a whole hour oh god why am i so uncreative._

_remember when we had to write poems for our english class? yours was the best. does it seem creepy if i say that i still know everything?_

_i once fell asleep_   
_and i dreamt about monsters_   
_when i woke up, my mum told me_   
_"son, they don't exist."_   
_i fell asleep soon after that_   
_and i dreamt about monsters_   
_when i woke up, my father said_   
_"son, it's all just your imagination."_   
_i once fell asleep_   
_and dreamt about monsters_   
_when i woke up, my sister told me_   
_"just stop dreaming, brother."_   
_i woke up soon after that_   
_and i saw the monsters_   
_when they laughed at me, i knew_   
_"i've never been dreaming."_

_it was the time where they started to bully you. it was the first day of not eating for you. why do i remember? because i've been watching you. that sounds really creepy... i'm sorry, i just really, really adore you._

_and i'm sorry for not being able to help sooner._

_jackson, i love you._

_i will put back all your pieces and if one is missing, i will give mine to you._   
_this time, nobody will ever be able to break you again._

_this time, the monsters will stay an imagination._

_\- pepi'_

jackson sighed and folded the paper. when he put it in his bag, he felt jinyoung staring at him. "you haven't started to eat yet?" the chinese frowned and looked at the other's sandwich, which still wasn't touched at all.  
jackson laughed quietly.

"let's eat then, shall we?"

\----

"no way, what happened then?"  
"after that, yugyeom just took this weird looking red bag and started running. hell, he didn't even know whose bag it was, he just thought it was mine. and after that, the owner came and i swear he was like, 80% legs! anyway, yugyeom-"

jinyoung was in the middle of telling him about the stupid things his friends had done as the bell rang, signaling everyone that the break was over now.

"aw no, i wanted to hear the end of the story!" jackson whined and pouted like a little kid.  
grinning, jinyoung shook his head. "another time then. anyway, what do you have now?"

"english, what about you?"

"mathematics."

"poor you."

jinyoung laughed and stood up. taking his bag, he licked his lips and looked at jackson. "jackson? let's ditch school."  
widening his eyes, the chinese looked at the other in shock. "are you stupid? we could get in trouble!" he whispered. "you're an ace in english and so am i in mathematics. so c'mon, let's leave."  
jackson looked around, nobody was in the cafeteria anymore.

"and where are we supposed to go?"

jinyoung thought for a while, then he started to smile.

"what about the playground?"

now jackson started to smile, too.

"deal."


	12. bento box

it was the end of the week, jackson happily walked around the school. humming a song, he stood in front of a door. it was now 12:35 PM and the bell would ring in less than five minutes, signaling the beginning of the lunch break. while waiting, he took out the letter that pepi had written for him again. "might as well read it, mh?" he mumbled and giggled. opening the letter, he was surprised.

jackson expected more.

_'i love you, jackson wang. we should meet._   
_3:00 PM, school's gate._   
_please come.'_

that was all. jackson gulped and stared at the ink. pepi wanted to meet. but did he want it, too?

"huh? jackson? why are you here?"

the chinese quickly folded the paper and looked up, smiling slightly. "i was waiting for you." holding up the blue bag that came with the letter, he looked at jinyoung excitingly. "wanna eat lunch with me again?"

while they were eating, silence filled the place. instead of eating at the cafeteria, the boys decided to enjoy the warm spring weather outside, that's why they were sitting on a bench behind the school. it wasn't an uncomfortable silence, though, since both used it to sort out their thoughts. "jackson?" jinyoung spoke up, looking next to him. jackson hummed as an answer, he was too busy with eating. opening his mouth, jinyoung made an 'ahh' sound and looked at him with puppy eyes. it made jackson look up and almost melt at the view.  
giggling, the chinese fed the other.  
"you could've just asked, you know."

swallowing the food, jinyoung grinned.

after both of them finished eating, jackson felt full pretty fast, which ended up to him feeding jinyoung the rest, he sighed. "jinyoung? can you give me some advice?"  
the raven haired boy leaned into the bench, closing his eyes and enjoyed the sunlight warming his skin. it was angelic, that's what jackson thought. his pale skin shimmered, his lips were curled into a little smile. he looked like an angel. with his long lashes, the cute little nose and the black hair. if jackson had a camera with him, he would take a picture.

well, he had a phone.

jinyoung opened his eyes as he heard the 'click' sound. "did you just take a picture of me?" he muttered and closed his eyes again. "you know, you could've just asked me."  
repeating the others words, jinyoung heard jackson laugh. the sound made his smile grow.  
the latter fell into silence again.

"oh and sure, i can give you some advice. what's bothering you, jacks?"

feeling a weight on his thighs, jinyoung opened his eyes again and looked down. jackson really laid his head on his lap. the raven haired boy felt his face heating up, he was happy that the other had his eyes closed. otherwise he would've to explain. quickly closing his eyes again, he tried to calm himself. "you know," jackson started to talk, snuggling up to him. "there's this person. he's been writing me letters for a while now." jinyoung responded with a hum and started to play with the others hair. "we haven't talked face to face though, hell, i don't even know his name. and now he wants to meet me, today." jackson sighed and closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of jinyoung's hands.

when did they even become so close?

he didn't know.  
it started with jinyoung helping him, he was also there when jackson cried in the bathroom, they've eaten lunch together for the past two or maybe three days, and now they were cuddling.  
it was confusing him, he never liked things to happen fast. it was somehow...overwhelming.

and still, he never wanted to miss this feeling, this feeling he'd get whenever he saw jinyoung.

"and you don't know if you should really meet, them, am i right?" jinyoung said. silently nodding, the chinese sighed again. "honestly, i think you should go for it. i mean, what could happen? and aren't you curious? i'm sure deep down you want to meet him, too."  
nodding again, jackson turned his head to look up to jinyoung, who was also looking down at him. "but i'm scared. what if it was all a joke? i don't want to get hurt..." he mumbled. softly. jinyoung smiled and stroked his cheek. "don't be. i'm sure everything's going to be just fine."  
he nodded again, leaning into the ravenette's touch.

it was now 2:57 PM, jackson was there.  
looking around, he couldn't find pepi. there wasn't even anyone at the school anymore. his last class ended at 2:30 PM.

it was now 2:59 PM, jackson still was there.  
"maybe it was really just a joke?" he smiled sadly, turning around.

it was now 3:00 PM, jackson was ready to finally leave the school, too.  
suddenly, a hand wrapped itself around his wrist, making him stop.

"i told you to meet me at 3, why are you leaving now?"

a voice said and a chuckle could be heard.  
a voice, jackson knew too good.

"j-jinyoung?" shocked, he turned around only to see his friend smiling at him. "jinyoung, what are you doing here? were you waiting for me? i told you i'd meet pepi!" confused, he watched the ravenette starting to laugh. "idiot. you are an idiot, jacks." he lightly punched the chinese's shoulder. pointing at himself, jinyoung smiled. "it was me."

"you?"

"me."

jackson gulped and looked down. "wow..." he mumbled. he truly was shocked. jinyoung was the one who wrote him letters and who made him meals everyday?

he couldn't believe it.

"jackson? now, that we both know each other, can i ask you something?"  
hesitantly nodding, the chinese looked up again. he still couldn't believe it.  
"will you be my boyfriend?"

jackson's answer was quickly, very quickly.  
when he opened his mouth, jinyoung widened his eyes.  
he slowly let go of his first love's hand.

"no."


	13. water and air

one week.

seven days.

168 hours.

10080 minutes.

604800 seconds.

and the number grew every second.

jackson stared out of the window. he was sitting in the classroom, an empty water bottle in front of him. his stomach was growling loudly, but nobody heard it.  
jackson was alone.  
currently it was 12:55 PM, his lunch break started 15 minutes ago.

and so did jinyoung's.

in this one week, jackson already lost 4lbs.  
he stopped seeing the ravenette, he stopped eating his food, he stopped reading his letters.

jackson stopped living, again.  
and this time, it was jinyoung's fault.

jackson tried, he really did. he tried eating on his own, he didn't want to rely on jinyoung. he didn't need the other.  
or that's what he thought.

"will you be my boyfriend?"

the question was haunting jackson. it made him stay awake for hours, it made him wake up crying, it make him throw up everything he tried to eat.  
so he just gave up.  
he gave up trying to find some peace at night.  
he gave up trying to eat.  
jackson just gave up.

his stomach growled again. the chinese looked at the empty bottle. licking his lips, he stood up to refill it. his mouth was dry, as if he hadn't drunk anything for years. luckily the room he was in had it's own sink. that way he didn't have to leave it.  
returning to his seat, his bottle was now full of water again, he sat down and tried to calm his heart down. he maybe only did 30 steps, and still, he felt like he just ran a marathon.

his body was tired, his mind was tired.

jackson felt exhausted.

"you know, you aren't allowed to stay here, actually."

mark, who had entered the room a minute ago, sat next to him. "why are you here, if i may ask?"  
"you may not." jackson said monotone, not looking at him.

"mh, okay."

his stomach growled again and jackson took a big sip of his bottle.  
"aren't you hungry?"  
shaking his head, the chinese sighed.

silence filled the room and jackson could feel mark staring at him.

"you know, i used to think that i love you."

jackson didn't even know why he started to talk out of sudden, but what's been said, was said.  
mark didn't even look that shocked. he just nodded.   
"you did? i thought the same."

huffing, jackson now finally looked at the other. "you did?" he was surprised, honestly.  
"mhm, i did. but i figured out that it was just me worrying about you." it made the chinese laugh, loudly. he couldn't stop and so he kept laughing for a minute.  
"why would you worry about me? we barely know each other. that's stupid, you know?" mark shook his head. "i don't think so. i always cared about you, i mean you were the only one here who got bullied. of course i was worried, especially when you started to lose weight and stuff like that." jackson chuckled again, shaking his head. "i can't believe that, god. i'm sorry, i just really think that this here" ,he pointed at himself and then at mark, "is just so weird." smiling slightly, mark shook his head. "no need to feel sorry."

silence.

again.

ugh, jackson hated silence so bad.

"if you don't mind me asking, how did you figure it out? that you don't love me?"  
mark took out his water bottle and drank something. "i just fell in love with someone else."  
jackson hummed in response and opened his bottle again. "who is is?" he took a sip and looked at the other expectantly. "do you know the boy who just transferred here? the thai dude? his name is bambam."

jackson remembered. the boy transferred three months ago and everyone was talking about his baby face and how he looked like he was 70% legs. "yes i do. it must be hard then, huh?"

mark tilted his head in confusion. "what do you mean?"

"i mean, i'm in love with someone, too. but i can't be together with him and that hurts." jackson looked at mark and smiled. "you too, right?"  
shaking his head, mark sighed. "why can't you be together with him?"  
that question made jackson fall silent.

exactly, why couldn't he be together with jinyoung? he loved him and jinyoung loved him, too. so why was he like this, being like a plant and living only of water and air? why did he say no?

"because i'm scared."

yes, that was the reason.  
jackson was scared of love. because everyone who once fell in love was also able to fall out of it. and he didn't want that to happen. because he saw what happened to his mother when his father decided to stop loving her.

"you know, that's normal. i am scared too and i'm sure bambam feels like that as well."  
"but why are you both together then?" he mumbled and turned his head to the window, seeing a certain someone eating lunch and sitting on a certain bench.

"because that's what love's about i guess. giving the other the possibility to hurt you. but since you trust them, it's okay." mark shrugged. "honestly, i really don't know. love is..." ,the older struggled to find the right words to describe the feeling, "it's something beautiful yet so dangerous. i get why you're scared, i'm too. but missing the opportunity to experience the most amazing feeling in the world...isn't that kind of stupid? i think you'd hate yourself afterwards. " he chuckled and smiled softly at the chinese. "and i don't think you should think about a breakup when you aren't even in a relationship yet." mark stood up and took his bottle. "as long as the other makes you feel good and safe, who cares about anything else? i don't." the older pointed at jackson and smiled. "and you shouldn't either."  
the chinese nodded and smiled, too. "thank you, mark."

"i didn't really do anything. but now i want you to leave the room, you're not allowed to stay here."  
"ha, yes of course."  
"i'm serious."  
"yes, yes, i will leave now."


	14. coffee and a smile

what exactly was love now? was it a feeling, something that ever human being was capable of feeling? or only some, only those, who deserved it?

was it an imagination, something we all pretended to feel even though it was not real?

was it a need? something, human beings needed to function properly? like fishs needed water, like plants needed the sunlight?

nobody knew the right answer. but, was there even one? didn't love actually have more than one face? more than one answer? and didn't those answers change with the time?

at least that's what happened to jackson wang.

if you had asked him what love was at the beginning of the year , his answer would probably have been something like "i don't care" or "it doesn't exist for me anyway, so why should i waste my time thinking about that?". maybe he also would've been silent, pretending he didn't hear you.

maybe he would've struggled finding the right words, after all, how was he supposed to know the answer to a feeling he had never felt?

if you asked him now, after everything has happened, his answer would be something like "love is something...good.". jackson liked to compare love to the universe. nobody could disagree when he said that it was dangerous. and still, people flew all the way there, to see the world, the moon, the stars. to feel the weightlessness, to feel light. they risked their life just to see the beauty of the universe.

wasn't it the same with love?

love was dangerous. it was able to destroy a person, it was able to rip off their hearts, to break their soul in million and million of pieces. it was sitting on your shoulder, like a little devil, waiting for the moment it could make you feel the worst pain you've ever felt. some people never loved anyone after it again, some people weren't even able to love anymore because they had ended their life too early, some people turned as cold as ice.

and still, everyone loved.

why? hell, because love just was beautiful. it made you feel safe, happy, excited, all at the same time. it made you laugh and cry, it made you scream in anger. and even if you were feeling down, just one hug from your loved one and you were living again.

it was just like the universe.

able to kill you, but too fascinating to ignore it.

the weightlessness was addictive, just like the hug from your loved one.

human beings seemed to be attracted to dangerous things, huh?

and now, jackson was about to enter the rocket.

he was about to see the beauty and the danger of the universe.

and he did it with a huge smile on his lips.

"what can i bring you, sir?"

jackson smiled to the waitress. "one coffee, please. oh, and could you maybe tell park jinyoung that i've got something to talk with him about?" the young girl nodded and disappeared behind the light brown door of the cafe's kitchen. it was the place where everything began. the place where jackson saw the chocolate muffin, the place where jinyoung saw jackson, the place where the ravenette created his plan.

quietly humming to a song, jackson looked around. the place was filled with people, especially couples. they were chatting and enjoying the sweet foods, sharing it with each other while smiling lovingly.

"your coffee, sir."

a too well known voice, which belonger was a too known person.

jinyoung put the coffee in front of jackson, not looking at him. "you wanted to talk?"

it was clear that the raven haired boy wasn't feeling too well. jackson noticed it. the way he talked, the way he moved, the way he looked. let's just say, jinyoung looked miserable. his hair wasn't as shiny as it used to, his lips were pale and chapped. his eyes were dark. it seemed like the other didn't sleep much, just like him

it made jackson regret his answer. "sit down, yeah? let's talk." jinyoung did as told, still not looking at the chinese.

sighing, jackson nipped on his coffee. "can we, can we start over?" the question made jinyoung look up in confusion. "what do you mean? start over? why?"

jackson chuckled and the other couldn't help but smile.

"i'm sorry. you know, for being a true idiot. i regret it, jinyoung. i really do. so can we just turn back the time, to the moment we both met the first time with me finally knowing who you are?"  
jinyoung widened his eyes and shook his head. "n-no! look at me, i look like a homeless person! i need to wash up first, and sleep and eat and-"  
jackson's laugh interrupted his little mental breakdown. "why are you laughing! it's not funny!"  
shaking his head, the chinese grinned at the pouting other. "you know, jinyoung, i couldn't care less about how you look right now. i mean, you fell in love with me when i was probably the ugliest person worldwide", he laughed again, "and still, you made me feel beautiful. "  
jinyoung blushed and looked down, mumbling something so quiet, not even a mouse would have been able to understand him. "what did you say?" jinyoung blushed even more. "nevermind, it's nothing." jackson started to whine "aw please! i wanna know!" he looked at the other pleadingly, making his heart melt because of the cuteness. "i-i just said that i made you feel like that because you were beautiful, you still are." he shyly smiled and jackson blushed and smiled back.  
there was a moment of silence until jinyoung spoke again. "you know, we can turn back the time. or at least we can pretend." nodding, jackson began to feel nervous. "jinyoung, but before. you must know that-"  
"that it won't be easy and that there will be days where you'll break down again? that there will be times where you push me away? don't worry. i won't leave you. we'll get through this, okay?" jinyoung took jackson's hand and smiled, stroking it with his thumb. "okay." the chinese whispered and looked at the clock.

it was 2:59 PM, jackson still felt jinyoung's touch.

it was 3:00 PM, and jackson stayed.

gulping, jinyoung spoke softly. "will you be my boyfriend?"

jackson had now entered the rocket, the countdown started.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

he would now see the universe.

"yes, i will."


	15. hugs and kisses

jinyoung banged against the door. "jackson? jackson! open up now, you've been in there for almost an hour." he was worried, he really was. it was one of those days where the thoughts just came back and made jackson feel even worse than he did twelve years ago. his husband didn't answer. the only sound he could hear was jackson crying.   
jinyoung didn't even know what exactly happened. when he woke up for work, he did his normal morning routine. stare at a sleeping jackson for more than five minutes, rush to the bathroom to use the seven minutes left to look decent. then enter the small kitchen to prepare breakfast for his lover, go back to him and stare another five minutes at him, give him a kiss on the forehead and finally leave. just a normal morning.  
and jackson was better, too. he was now at a healthy weight and started to exercise again. not to burn calories, but rather to build muscles. and let's just say...jackson looked hot like that. once a month he would visit his therapist, get measured and set a new goal. those goals weren't always directed towards his weight, his goal for june for example was to find a part time job. even though jackson often told jinyoung that he was able to work fulltime, the ravenette just didn't like the thought of returning home without him being there.   
"jackson, please. let me hug you, okay? everything's fine, really. i love you so much, jackson. please open the door." jinyoung was desperate. literally nothing hurt him more than hearing the love of his life bawling his eyes out while he was hindered by that door and couldn't help in any way.   
hearing the door unlock, he could finally step in. "j-jinyoung..." jackson sat there, next to the toilet. his eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks were wet and every second another tear rolled down. jinyoung didn't wait long, he quickly kneeled next to him and pressed the chinese to his chest. "it's okay, everything's okay, yeah? i'm here now." whispering, he began to hum jackson's favourite song. he kissed his head and stroked his back. it took him some time to calm the other down, but as he heard jackson's calm breathing, jinyoung dared to talk again. "jackson, did you eat your breakfast?" the latter slowly shook his head. "i'm sorry, jinyoungie, i'm such a failure aren't i?" now it was his turn to shake his head. "jackson, no. you are not a failure, okay? just look, you've come so far. i'm so proud of you, okay? you are amazing and even if you couldn't eat today, i know you tried it." he kissed the tip of his nose and looked him in the eyes. "i'm so so proud of you, baby." the nickname let jackson smile slightly. jinyoung took his lover's hands and pulled him up. together they both walked into the kitchen.  
their apartment wasn't big, it was almost too small for both of them. their biggest dream was to own an own small little house and of course if jackson did work, it would come true faster. but it was okay for both of them. health came first, always. and they loved it, it was their home. it was the place where they had their first time. where they had their first fight. it was the place where jinyoung kneeled down in front of him, holding a blue small box in his hands.  
it told their history and they loved it.  
"shall we try and cook something? something small? what about a soup?" jackson nodded and smiled shyly. "yes, let's make a soup."  
while they cooked together, jinyoung again realised how much he actually loved the other. jackson had grown up so much. his hair was dyed blonde and styled. he was wearing a sleeveless shirt, letting it emphasise his muscular arms. and well, jinyoung loved it. "do you know how much i love you, jacks?" he wrapped his arms around the chinese, hugging him tightly from behind. "i love you to the moon and back, million, no, infinite times." he kissed his neck, making the other giggle.   
jinyoung loved those moments, those moments where the other would let him take care of everything. as the time passed jackson did not only change physically but also mentally. he was much more confident now, he flirted way more with jinyoung than before and the results were a ravenette young man being flustered almost 24/7. jackson finally let the past be past. and those moments became rarer and rarer, every day.

both of them were eating quietly now. "jinyoung? i don't think i can eat more." jackson interrupted the silence and looked at him, his cheeks pink in embarrassment. looking up, jinyoung smiled. yes, the other didn't eat more than half of the soup, but it was better than eating nothing. "it's okay, jacks. i'm full, too." together they both washed the dishes. "jackson? let's go out. i've got something to show you, yes?" "show me something? what?" laughing, jinyoung went to get his car keys. "it's a surprise~!"

"you know i hate surprises. i never know how to react."   
the couple was sitting in the car. they've been driving for 20 minutes already and jackson started to get impatient. not like he wasn't before. "yes i know jackson.", jinyoung grinned and took his hand, interlocking their fingers, "and now stop pouting, will you?"

"okay, we're almost there. i don't have a blindfold with me, but i can trust you, right? close your eyes and don't even try to look, yes?" jackson was still pouting, this time he had his eyes closed though. "i don't like this at all!" whining around, jinyoung didn't say anything when he opened the car door for the other. he took his hand and led him to the special place. "okay, are you ready?" "jinyoung for heaven's sake, i've been ready the past 40 minutes! i swear if it's not good then i'll- wow." jackson had opened his eyes, and well, his mouth too. "jinyoung, you, i can't believe this." tears were forming and jackson let out a quiet sob. "you made me cry, you stupid idiot!" he hit the other's shoulder lightly and wiped his tears away.  
"it was our dream, wasn't it?" jinyoung smiled.  
just now jackson actually realised what happened. "wait, oh god, oh my, ah!" he screamed excitedly. "jinyoung, this is amazing!" he hugged him, lifting him up. jinyoung laughed loudly, holding onto his husband. their laughter could be heard even miles away.  
and yes, jinyoung was right.  
it was their dream.  
and this, this beautiful house right in front of them, was the beginning of a beautiful family.  
a family with jinyoung, jackson and maybe, just maybe a little baby.

but that was another story.


End file.
